Feelins were there for their own sake

For wantin to be in a state

Blissful as it may seem

Oblivious to the world outward

Cocooned they were

In their own nest

Built upon faith n longing

Desire with no name or identity

A love that sought no refuge

Reciprocation not an ultimate reward!

Togetherness was a strange word

For it spelt a different meanin

Wholesome in their being

Not in want of existence validated!

For love was not intended to be

A game played between the twine

Be where you ought to be

Just let me be the way I am

For I have existed thus far

For the sake of my “being” alone

I ask of you nothing in return

Just let me be the way I am

Holding the love I once cherished

For its all about ME and not US!!!

aapko pyaar mera yaad jahan aaega......

koi kaanta kahin daaman se lipat jaaega.....

koi kaanta kahin daaman se lipat jaaega!

jaaiye aap kahan jaaenge

ye nazar laut ke phir aaegi....

ye nazar laut ke phir aaegi!!

door tak aapke peechhe peechhe....

meri aawaaz chali aaegi!!!

fingers of my hand
restless as desire
wanting to paint and create
on the empty canvas
my soul that lies
bereft of the pain and sorrow
once etched deep
with the chisel of time
that clicked away
in an hour glass
made of yesterday.......

The maid opened the door of the bedroom to check if her memsaab was up from her sleep. She scanned the room as she always did to make sure everything was in place. Satisfied that nothing was amiss she was about to shut the door again when her gaze took in the peculiar that her eyes were not accustomed to. It was the earthen vase sitting on the table just below the bay window. Yes it was in its usual place as her memsaab was very particular about thing being kept tidily in place where they belonged.

What was unusual was the fresh bunch of flowers that rested in the vase…… their faint scent filling the room. She had never seen flower in this vase before. At least not since saab had left.

It was a year and a half since her memsaab was on her own after the divorce. She had never anticipated that this beautiful couple who seemed so comfortable in their lives would choose to separate and resort to a thing like divorce. It had come as complete shock to her.

Memsaab was not the same ever since. She seemed to withdraw into a shell, never leaving the room, not meeting people and never chatting with the neighbors. A look of sadness and gloom enveloped her. She perhaps cried a lot too when alone, looking at the dark circles under her eyes. She felt sorry for her memsaab and wished something good would happen to cheer her up.

But today these flowers seemed to speak to her a different story, seeming to send some kind of a signal. Where did they come from………who brought them? Was there a visitor last night? Memsaab didn’t meet anybody all this while. Nor was there any occasion celebrated in all these days after saab left. Then who sent the flowers? The question persisted in her mind as she went about her chores.

Did her memsaab have a secret admirer? Was there someone wanting to fill up her life with joy and laughter once more? Was there someone hoping to bring her memsaab back to life with the radiance of the blossoms in the vase spreading their sweet fragrance?

Yes that is what it has got to be. That seems a fit explanation for the presence of those flowers next to the window. Feeling satisfied with this new revelation and feeling happy for her memsaab she went into the kitchen to prepare tea to rouse her memsaab and greet her with a beaming smile.

There I saw myself
Lying on the sand dunes
Looking upwards
As they galloped
Across the dessert
The knights in their
Shining armour
And I thought
I saw you
A face so familiar
Amongst the hooded riders

As the desert turned
Into a battle field…..
Who had you come to conquer?
Me or the soul within me?

As you trotted away
With the victorious
Smile on your face
I lay there simply
A serene calm and content
For my soul was not conquered
But liberated ……
In this battle of
Pride against prejudice!!!

She waited and waited……………..from dawn till dusk…………from dusk till dawn…………..for her lover to come back!

They had met three years ago, amongst the beautiful landscape of mountains and streams, of meadows and falls. It had not been love at first sight. They had grown to like each other. Chance meetings had brought them into close proximity with each other. As interaction grew they became aware of one another.

She came to the mountains frequently to visit her daughter studying in a boarding. He sang and played the guitar at one of the restaurants in the same hills. He had a flair for entertaining and chatting up the guests at his restaurant. His job brought him into contact with a lot of new people.

As usual he was singing and entertaining the crowd when she came in to dine with her daughter. The song was a tribute to the place where he was working……..a very popular number from old times. The atmosphere was nostalgic and somewhat romantic. People joined in as he strummed his guitar. There was a loud applause as he ended his number.

Taking a short break in order to rest his voice, he started to do the rounds of mixing up with the guests and he finally arrived at her table. He introduced himself and requested to join in. she invited him to join the table and introduced her daughter to him. There was some polite exchange and the conversation involved mostly queries about their visit to the town, where they came from and her daughter’s schooling in the hills. To her surprise, he got along famously with her daughter. They cracked jokes and laughed out loud and he asked her favorite songs that she would like him to play. He had a great sense of humor and came across rather witty. The meeting was very pleasant and held a promise of a budding friendship.

She returned to her town being back to a mundane life………resuming her routine with him out of sight and out of mind. The daily grind at the office left no room for indulging in thoughts about an acquaintance. She didn’t have any friends, or at least no one she could call her own. This provided a welcome space for someone new that she wasn’t yet aware of.

Days passed and it was time to visit her daughter again. As chance would have it they bumped into him while strolling around the market place. He invited them to the restaurant for dinner that night. Although they had planed to eat in the hotel room itself and have an early night, they decided to accept his invitation. Her daughter was quite fascinated with him and was eager to hear him play her favorite songs.

This went on for some time and they became regular visitors at the restaurant. As meetings became more frequent the acquaintance grew into a fond friendship. On one of the occasions he invited them to his home and introduced them to his parents. They were warm and welcoming people who were genuinely pleased to meet them and were very hospitable. After a lovely evening talking over some really nice tea made by his mother it was time to leave and say goodbye. There was a warm hug from the couple extracting from her a promise that next time she came to visit her daughter they would stay with them. Hesitating and making excuses she finally succumbed to their gentle persuasion.

It was the month of July that brought her to the hills again. It was monsoons and the weather was unpredictable yet lovely with dark clouds looming large over green landscape. As planned they arrived at his place to be greeted by his parents. He was not to be seen as it was working hours for him at that time of the day. She tried to wave away the apprehensive anticipation of seeing him again after such a long time.

The morning passed with a lot of chatter and a scrumptious lunch served by his mom. He arrived from work soon after and was really thrilled to see them at his place. They exchanged notes and talked about all that had passed in their lives since they last met. Her daughter took off to play with kids of a neighbor and the parents retired for an afternoon nap. The two of them were left alone to catch up with each other and share one another’s company. They were oblivious to the strength of attraction that was unassumingly finding way between the two of them. No premonition of the eventual!

The weekend passed merrily rejoicing their new found friendship and merrily celebrating the farewell to their lonesome world.

Come Monday morning and it was time for her daughter to join back school. She was scheduled to leave that evening taking the tourist bus. But his parents cajoled her to extend her stay a couple of days longer. Although she didn’t have anything pressing at the office the following week she was not sure if it was such a good idea. Nevertheless the temptation to have more time with him broke her resolve and she gave in willingly.

That evening they went out to the restaurant even though it was his day off from work. They had nothing better to do and it was nice to sneak out for an evening together even if it was to his work place as there wasn’t much of a night life in this small hill town. It was like a first date although without the usual connotations.

He played the guitar and sang a bit. The crowd was thin as it was the beginning of the week and his regular clients rarely turned up on his day off. They talked more openly and it soon gave way to a bit of light flirtation which she enjoyed thoroughly as it seemed a lifetime since someone had showered her with such attention. The admiration was mutual and it left them feeling somewhat heady. They shared some of his favorite dishes for dinner and the evening turned out to be very enjoyable.

On the drive back it drizzled lightly and added to the charisma of the moment spent with him. They got back not so drenched but she went to change nevertheless. The parents seemed to have retired to bed already. When she came out he was fixing a drink for himself and asked if she would like one for herself. She said no but changed her mind and accepted a glass of vodka and orange juice. He called her to join him on the small steps in front of the house. They sat there side by side nursing their drinks slowly savoring every sip.

The night had a magical charm. The rain had settle down and the sky shone dimly with tiny little stars. They talked about everything under the stars and the moon, sharing their little secrets without the hint of feeling so exposed to the other.

She rested her head on his shoulder and he drew her closer on an impulse. They sat like that for a while and then he whispered softly to her, “let’s go inside and cuddle up a bit”

She was intoxicated not so much with the alcohol but the intensity of what she felt with his proximate presence next to her. They got up and went in, still holding each other. What followed was utterly blissful or a terrible mistake, she was never to know. She surrendered to him and to her own desires completely and willingly. Their urgent needs were met with such ferocity that she was completely taken aback with her latent passions that flowed so uninhibitedly. They woke up in each other’s arms to realize what the night had brought them to.

It was difficult to say goodbye with strong emotions not finding their way in words and the pain of separating making matters worse. With very little said between them …….just a  promise to stay in touch…….she left this magical town with a heavy heart.

Days passed, and then weeks with not a single phone call from him. She waited but her apprehensive thoughts drove her crazy until she could take it no longer. She called up the restaurant finally, only to be told he was not there. She called up another day and he was busy singing and couldn’t be called on line. It was the same every time she called……he not there or he busy singing. She grew desperate and the calls became frequent putting her in a very vulnerable position. But there was no word from him. As if it had been just a passing fancy for him……a conquest, to boast about to his friends and allies. She felt so humiliated and betrayed. Used and discarded as though it was an every day occurrence in his life.

Then she got the news that he left the town and got married……to someone he had known since childhood. Her world came crashing around her. At least there could have been a reason, an explanation for this most unexpected outcome of events.....a justification, for his total absence from her life, following that fateful night in July. But there was none coming forward to pacify her wrenched soul.

She could never come to terms with or accept the reality the way it was. In her mind her lover would come to her one day because they were meant to be……….to belong to one another…… to unite in love that consumed her very being. She only existed to realize this hopeless dream that she truly believed would come true one day.

And so she waits, till this day………three years since her ordeal started. And the waiting never ends. It goes on till life goes on. Her days begin with this long ritual and it ends with the same………only to be resumed the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that……………….

They had been married for more than ten years. A decade, in which they had loved, shared, hoped and dreamt many a dream together. Things had been more than perfect…………until “she” came along!

Rahul had been a very faithful and devoted husband indeed. Smruti never had a reason to doubt him in all the years they had been married. But things were not the same any more. His growing impatience with her, his indifferent attitude towards her and his frequent and prolonged absence from home only added to her anxieties.

It had been four months since the new arrival in Rahul’s office. Initially Smruti had not paid much attention too Rahul’s comments about his colleague. But she started noticing that her presence was becoming more and more dominant in their conversations. Even when she tried to change the topic Rahul would find ways to revert back to talking about her.

One day Smruti decided to confront Rahul and get to the bottom of this whole affair. When they sat down for dinner that night, Smruti asked Rahul, “have we not been happy in the last ten years?’ Rahul was taken aback by this question and said, “of course darling, we’ve been quite happy indeed’

Smruti started looking at her nails and contemplating how to further the conversation.
‘Have I not been a good wife, providing you everything and taking care of all your needs?’ she finally spoke after a brief silence. Rahul looked sharply at her and getting rather impatient said “what exactly are you getting at?’

Smruti said, ‘For a while now I’ve been sensing a third presence between you and me.” “Who are you referring to?” Rahul became cautious and vary of the probation. “You know very well who I’m referring to. Are you attracted to Seema?” Smruti threw the question directly at Rahul. He tried to avoid answering but Smruti wouldn’t let go. “Well she is rather beautiful and a lot of guys at the office are attracted to her”

“I’m not asking about the rest. I’m asking are you attracted to her?”

“Look why are we talking about all this right now?”

“ Because she seems to be on your mind all the time making her presence felt in almost all the conversation we have……….almost haunting us each and every moment”

“Are you jealous?” Rahul tried desperately to escape an answer.

“No, but I can’t help wondering about us. Has our relationship reached a stage where there’s nothing more to offer to each other or are you just plain simple bored with our lives and are looking for excitement?”

Rahul was in no mood for confrontations and made no attempt to hide his irritation, “ look I do not wish to pursue this topic any further. You deal with your own complexes and leave me out of all this. And if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch up on some sleep. I have a busy day tomorrow.” With this he abruptly left the table and disappeared in the bed room.

Smtuti watched with a lump in her throat. She had her answer. Her world came crashing around her. She just knew that it was all over for them. It was not a new arrival in Rahul’s office…….it was a new arrival in his life. With a heavy heart she picked up the dishes and headed for the kitchen.

something i read today..........


"It is a powerful healing act,the act of sending love to a person, who has betrayed, hurt or angered you. Cheryl Richardson, the author of book, 'life makeovers', purports that the power of love can heal the most challenging of situations. So, according to Cheryl, whenever you get angry or feel betrayed and want to hurt that person, send your love to him instead. It may be difficult to send love in the face of injustice or betrayal. But with perseverance, you will discover that it is a powerful healing act. In addition, as you send love, you will notice something miraculous - you will feel better. Instead of penting up anger and frustration, you will feel relaxed about the situation and be able to let go!"


Is there someone in your life who needs your love?


So, here I am sending 'all my luvin' to you'........
but the reason is a little more than the above.


When I was thirteen, something beautiful had happened to me.........even then I knew this was not for me.........so I shouldn't have felt hurt or betrayed. But I did, and it took me seven long years to get over it. Not a soul knows about it till date. I realise the mistake I made then........I was making one again today. Even today I know this is not for me.......and I must let go in order to move on........for there's more to life that is essential!


So many times in your life you come accross people who touch your heart in a special way.......but you're iether too shy or never get the chance to tell them how you really felt.......not in order to posses them but to extend and share the feel good factor you yourself experienced.......to tell them how very special they made you feel. One is very lucky if one gets to do just that!
There is another anecdote, in the form of a poem out of an advert, it reads:


When did fear go away.....
and passion replace it?

When did the boundries disappear.......
and horizons looked near?

When did the world matter less......
and your inner voice more?

When exactly did you begin to believe
there is no one
you would rather be
than you........

One is so helpless.....
in the face of death

Specially the ones
who are left behind

Yet we must find
the strength to cope
with our loss and grief...

My prayers and best wishes
are always with you.

cMa